Tender Mercies

Have you ever stopped to wonder how something so comfortable and familiar can become so far from your comfort reality to destroy all recollections of its previous existence? I've learned in recent weeks that things as simple as a first date, attending church services, and even simple work tasks have become somewhat strange and unfamiliar. Not that those things, or many others, are strange themselves...on the contrary its refreshing to create opportunities which I've neglected and/or bypassed for so long. But it feels at times as though I've become an extra in my own biography.
Looking at current circumstances I feel compelled to examine more each day my thoughts and how they can, and usually do determine the outcome of each day, hour, even each small moment in my life. The optimism which has come so easy for me in years past takes constant effort to conjure these days. Recently events have rejuvenated that hope and optimism, however, leaving me free to move with more conviction towards the light at the end of this very dark tunnel I've created. Events of the last week have reminded my heart and mind of the value that experience gives, and the wisdom which someday will enlarge my vision and capacity to serve others with love.
I spent most of last week in a state of this euphoric optimism. Nothing of the stress and discomfort of life's challenges faded away, yet for a time the weight of it, the shear magnitude of trial had become somehow simpler. I made some decisions and set some things in motion which will overall move my world forward in a progressive and uplifting way. It feels good. It feels right. An adjusted plan and repositioning of strategy in an ongoing battle has once again commenced, and I'm optimistic in the Lord's promises being fulfilled as we fight my wars together.
The recognition of the consistent need for reassurance has also been felt. It is my responsibility to remember those promises, to remember the moments, and to remember Him. As in all times of discouragement I've become a target of the adversary to damage my ability to feel that hope and jade my perspective. I have had a good week. I've also had some very low moments. I believe its a different angle perhaps Satan is using on me. There are certain things in my conduct that have been forsaken and left in the past...yet he still knows of my guilt. He knows of my moments of pain and emotional weakness and hits me up with those thoughts of hopelessness.
What's a little surprising or at least in the sense of hope being a stranger of a feeling lately, is that it turns on me very quickly, almost instantaneously. One moment I'm traveling along, excited about life and its possibilities, and the next moment I'm back in the dark tunnel, not enjoying the sunlight or the ocean view and certainly unaware of the birds singing from the trees. Its disheartening and while i know better and can tell myself to pull out or away from those feelings, the truth is, its just hard sometimes.
So Austin is 6 months old this week. Unbelievable how quickly time has past. In visiting him and his mom this week it became evident to me that everything I do now, or don't do for that matter, will greatly affect the way his and my relationship progresses over the next few years and our entire life. As I spent time looking in his big blue innocent eyes, I wondered how much he could actually see and know concerning his dad's struggles and desires to do the best he can. I wonder if he will ever understand or know how difficult this is and how much I would love to just tell him all about it and get his insight.
Yes I recognize how have a deep conversation with a 6 month old son may sound absurd but I have to wonder what his little mind would say if he could...the last person to really have a father to son conversation with him was our Heavenly Father, what must he have said about the circumstances and specifically the dad he was going to shortly meet. Am I living up to what his Heavenly Father told him about me? What exactly did he say? I feel a strong spirit about Austin when I'm visiting and I can't help but hope for greater things because he's in my world.
And so I go forward. I continue to set and accomplish my goals, and do all I can to progress. Hoping that throughout the journey there will continually be those around me to reassure me of the purpose and the plan. I have come to appreciate the strength that comes from an encouraging roommate, a supportive mom and dad, the words of motivation from great old friends, and nonjudgmental, beautiful new ones. All of which are taking part in there own way, in creating opportunities for me to experience life through His eyes...little moments I like to think as God's little tender mercies.