Beginning Again

I wonder sometimes if there is a new beginning attached to each phase of life. Or how to find to the momentum necessary to create such as rich atmosphere of atonement.
In such a world where circumstance is a byproduct of decisions both good and poor, how can life's obstacles and blessings be anything but fair. The truth is, it has to be right? No other explanation seems noteworthy.
As I go throughout my weeks, and this week more specifically, in attempts to create the 'Bambino' empire with a good friend, I often find myself drawn from the daily responsibilities to the overwhelming challenges brought on by my own indignant choices. Its discouraging at times and leads to an introvert personality far from the comfortable Greg I used to be.
The picture above is one which Tara, Austin's mother sent me this week. By no means is he anything but adorable and a blessing and a challenge for her sure. He seems like a happy baby with a cute curiosity and big smile that can melt any heart. She is doing a great job taking care of his needs and providing a loving atmosphere. I'm grateful to her parents for not only their hospitality but also the love and tenderness they show my son. No doubt he's getting more love and care with them than perhaps he could if I were around more.
So the guilt continues. Week after week day after day, the weight presses down as it were a gravitational force. At times my busy schedule and financial stresses shadow the reality enough to leave me somewhat optimistic in terms of the outcome of my relationship with Austin. Or perhaps I'm lying to myself and exercising an ignorance at its finest in order to relieve myself from the pressure for a moment.
I see Austin and I recognize the innocence and perfection which he has brought from above and the hope restored to bring me home also. Many have said he looks like me, 'a miniature Greg' i've been told, sadly, I don't see it. Maybe its not the family resemblance which i'm looking for. Maybe what I see in Austin is that peaceful easy feeling that somehow, these little children are blessed with an ability to recognize there Father in Heaven's love for them and their standing in his eyes. I don't know probably way out there but I see that innocense in his face and eyes and I want that. I want to remember what that felt like.
So onto another weeks reminder and hope for a spiritual reckoning. Peace. Peace is the thing I want most in life right now. It's been the thing furthest from my grasp for years I'm afraid and now as the weight of my world compounds even more as the days go by I hope that someday, somehow, I'll have the opportunity to feel that peace...peace which brings a guilty conscience to rest...peace that can destroy hopelessness and usher in optimism at its finest hour....peace that soothes, calms, and even sings my soul into heavens arms once again...peace.